I don't make plans because I always end up wanting to break them. Most of my life I've been more anti-social than social, save a couple of years when drinkin' and druggin' aided in my social anxiety. I have absolutely no problem making conversation at work, I'm a waitress so I'd say my socializing skills must be at least fake-able considering they basically determine my tips, my money, my ability to provide for myself and my family. Yet outside of work, I have an extremely low desire to see anyone other than Dillon and Adrian. I love visiting family, but it happens so rarely that I suppose seeing as I don't really have any close friends within a three hour distance has led to my completely apathetic outlook on going out. Sure, there are movies I want to see, but even if I casually talk to a co-worker about going with me to one I don't ever follow up. There are people I could call or text, both co-workers and friends outside of work, but I don't, and I don't know why. I can hypothesize all I want to about how I refuse to replace my best friends, who live in New Jersey and Los Angeles.. but now what happens once the reality that I'll probably never live in the same town as these people again sets in? I just go the rest of my adult life with no one to confide in, no one to lovingly refer to as Adrian's "aunt so and so or uncle whoever" because they're such great friends and people that I consider them family? I know some incredible people, I guess the problem in the equation is me. It always has been. At least I now have a child to focus on, he'll be in school before I know it and I can throw my attention into that, and him, but really.. is that healthy? Isn't that how crazy middle aged house wifes are made? Am I setting myself up to become a crazy thirty something housewife with countless tattoos and no friends? ... I certainly hope not. I went out last night for a drink with two girlfriends. Tonight I have plans to go out for of course, another drink, with two girlfriends. I suppose a majority of the issue is my coworkers all live roughly 30+ minutes away, so I tend to not make plans since there's a pain in the ass commute involved on my part. Excuses excuses excuses, it's summer time and there's no beach to be excited about, there's no nyc to spend the day in, there's no family (other than my inlaws, who have become my family since my actual family live so far away) to catch up with and impose upon and raid their fridges when I'm too lazy to go to the grocery store... It's a catch 22. I wanted so baddly throughout my adolescence to be left alone, for my family to 'go away'... I set up a life far away... and I couldn't be lonelier. Why don't I go out and socialize? Because I don't enjoy anyone's company.
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